TOPIC: The secret conversation.

"Andrew, we are out on our ear if this Lapping fella gets in" ......."I know John but we are skint and I can't keep throwing money in, I have done it for years and can't go on". " It's ok Andrew, I have a plan, we will drag out the lapping discussions until pre season, then I will set up a chat with a venture capitalist and a few agents who specialise in brokering the sale of football clubs to billionaires but under the condition that if they do find a buyer, me and you keep a top job". Sounds good John but how are we going to keep the club going in the meantime"?.....it's ok Andrew, we will sell the 2 boys, that will keep us going for a year by which time Lappings investors will be sick as parrots and long gone taking the pressure away. We will then just say that the secret billionaire got cold feet as he thought the fans were a bit hostile and that he looked on the map and seen we were in the Middle of nowhere"....."ah interesting John, I knew there must of been a reason why someone let you into the club" .....but thinking about it John, will people believe you?....after all you are a scruffy old git who has overseen the demise of the club, you have no idea about generating off field revenue, no idea how to market the club, have no idea how to connect with fans or even communicate in any basic way that is understood in this century" . It's ok Andrew, we will use the billionaire cover to buy us time to talk to MAMCAR or that curry house fella or someone like that. By which time I will buy a new suit from the Demsey money and with your new range of pies we will blow them away meaning we can stay in charge and out of the retirement garden, there is no way that I'm giving up my privileges and FA gig for nothing, even if I have to buy a new shirt Andrew I will do anything, I would love it...just love if we pull this off"

"hen I will set up a chat with a venture capitalist and a few agents who specialise in brokering the sale of football clubs to billionaires "

I doubt it was that organised. Probably rang the times rich list in order...

"hello, is that the office of Bill Gates? Are you interested in buying a 4th division football club in england?"
"no, [censored] off"

"hello, is that the office of Carlos Slim? Are you interested in buying a 4th division football club in england?"
"no, [censored] off"

"hello, is that the office of Warren Buffett? Are you interested in buying a 4th division football club in england?"
"whaa? err, yeh sure. He'll phone you back *click*"

*cheers* He'll phone us back john! tell that lapping charver to [censored] off!

"listen John, I'm not sure the fans will believe you, I have also noticed lately that you have a big nose John"....."FANS!....FANS! Andrew, what you talking abooot? Them are mushrooms you should know better than that, as Patty said, don't need them mushrooms. We just need to sell a player or two and for you to chuck in a couple of hundred K every couple of years and I can keep my big chair in my office and my FA gigs....FANS indeed, come on Andrew. Anyway I've been speaking to this fella on the costa del sol. Think if I can use some Demsey money and get a timeshare, we might be able to pretend for him to take over the club leaving you and me to run it for him.....I reckon he knows someone in Turkey who still has a billion Lira under his floor boards.....see Andrew, you just need an imagination, I was wasted at the tyre plant and with a bit of coaching I think I can help you sell more pies."......we are leading edge me and you, we are going places. I'm going to Portugal next week with the FA so for F***k sake, don't you be talking to the mushrooms or the local rag while I'm away, they won't understand how clever we are anyway but tell them nowt just in case one of them fellas from the paper with a degree puts 2and2 together and tells the mushrooms".......when I'm away I'm gonna send a statement to the rag that there is no timescale on a takeover so basically Andrew, as long as you chuck a few more quid in I will be alright so crack on with that and I will tell patty to tell the mushrooms they are not needed anymore"

Oh by the way Andrew, I had a teleconference with the speaking clock today. I reckon he is minted, was talking big numbers. I told him he could only get in the mix if me and you were still running the show like. He kept repeating himself a bit so I'm gonna ring him back to see if he has changed his tune.....leading edge me Andrew, don't you worry about anything it's all in hand and if in doubt....say nowt.

Many a true word spoken in jest

"John....one of the great grandkids was on one of them apple thingys looking at the mushrooms forum, said there is a guy on their talking about our conversations almost word for word....I'm worried John, I think my morse code machine is being tapped. I asked one of the lasses in the office to check the mushroom forum out but as we only gave her a typewriter and a wireless so she couldn't get on the tintterweby thing. You have one of them Itari things haven't you,? can you check it out". "Mms, sounds a bit worrying that, they will know that this whole thing is just a cover to keep my good chair in the big office and that the billionaire thing is just to keep them interested while I find a real buyer who wants to keep me at the top". ..."I know John, what do we do,? should we report it to the police or something.?" Don't be daft, some of them get in the paddock, we will be doomed if they know what we are upto.........got an idea.....I will get one of the lasses in the typing pool to write a letter to the timeshare guy and ask him to call me on the mobile and claim he is the secret billionaire and now wants a teleconference. If they are bugging us, it will come out and it will keep the mushrooms happy until Christmas by which time the pressure will be off as Keith will have the boys in the top half of the table"......"sounds OK John but what if the lassy in the typing pool figures out what we are doing and blabs?.....we agreed that we can't tell anyone, not even anyone". "It's a risk we have to take Andrew, if they are tapping your morse code machine and my Nokia, we are fecked anyway so we need a delay tactic, I'm not giving up my comfy chair upstairs and free sandwiches .....no chance.

thebadger wrote:
I wish you would change that Nixon avatar it is very off putting

I think my morse code machine is being tapped. I asked one of the lasses in the office to check the mushroom forum out but as we only gave her a typewriter and a wireless so she couldn't get on the tintterweby thing.

Brilliant.

bluealf wrote:
That's Edward from "The League of Gentlemen"!

But now that you mention it......

"john, the pressure is mounting....it's now months since you come out about the billionaire porky pie and the mushrooms are getting restless, they are wondering why we ain't going forward with the Lapping deal....what are we gonna do?. "It's ok Andrew, I will throw the mushrooms the oldest trick in the book"....."what that the new investment group (Lapping and co) don't have proof of capital trick?"....."yes Andrew, we are not talking about a takeover of Man U here, our mushrooms will swallow the oldest trick in the book"

"Then what we will do Andrew, we will tell the mushrooms that me and you are out of it and that we are putting in a new board to replace us"...."Don't like the sound of that John"......"don't worry Andrew, it's just a ploy so that we keep our top jobs and my chair in the office and FA gig. We will put in some puppets that we control from behind but the mushrooms will think that they are the real Directors of the club so they will get all the crap while we will still be the real top dogs Andrew". "Mm mm, Knighton tried that John with the curry fella and he got found out". "Don't worry Andrew, I have got it all planned. That Kid Lassey in the office is good with a calculator, we will fire her into one of the roles, we will tell the mushrooms and the local rag that I'm no longer MD. We will also tell them that you are are now life president or something but really nothing will change, we just need a puppet to pretend to be you....perhaps that new commercial fella will take the bait......I tell you Andrew, I have it all in hand, I was wasted at the tyre plant"......"also Andrew, I have got an FA gig coming up, my mate Blatter is the guest of honour so I need to be there to get some ideas off him.....it's all expenses paid but you have to claim them back, can you get some cash from the till at Pioneer for me and I will give you it back when I get it back off the FA"?

PS, tell the mushrooms and the rag feck all while I am away, if they give you any grief just tell them we have signed a lock out agreement with the new board so we cant communicate to anyone who they are.....that one always works for a bit. I will make sure I network while I am away and come back with some new ideas, might see if the FA have any old fax machines we could have as well to replace the typewriter in the office.

Halpinsleftpeg wrote:

seesaw50 wrote:


Bring back the CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE - priceless Halpin

BUMP.....pile on, they are treating us like fools.....write your version of the secret conversation......

"Ah for F*ck sake Andrew, I told you not to go talking to the rag or the mushrooms on our own, now look what you have done!....."Sorry John but one of them clever guys at the paper asked me for a statement, what was I to do?, anyway I didn't leave us exposed, at the end of the day me and you know only too well that there is nothing to tell them so Even I can't get all mixed up and tell them something I shouldn't. The only thing I told them was only 3 of us know the porkie Pie you made up". "Exactly Andrew, they will have another phone to tap up now, they must be tapping a phone as they are one step ahead all the time. I got one of the lasses in the office to check to tinterweb thing on her phone and she said that they were saying on a forum that we were hiding behind bringing in an operational board and that we would pull the strings.....firkin sods have got us sewn up Andrew, I'm feel like I'm on the run and the mushrooms are catching me up!"

"What's the worst that can happen John?.....we just tell them that our version of the curry house fella has pulled out and we are the only gig in town....just like old times

Halpinsleftpeg wrote: As predicted on July 18th re Kidd ......I really do hope they read this board just to prove that they are so very thick it's a piece of cake for us to predict what they are so un skilfully trying to keep a secret. Muppets